Waiting for Graduation-A Letter to The Self (Apr 2017)
Dear Being,
It was all over. Just like that. The Jinn that was locked away for four long years has been rubbed back out into the construct of reality. Four years, sixty essays, five hundred readings, countless friendships, immeasurable experiences, and a thousand and one all-nighters. Little did I know what lay ahead were countless resumes, cover letters, job interviews and all the daily routines of life leaving no time to waste.
I would think and hear a voice surfacing into my stream of consciousness that would correct me and say I should wait and that I should realize my being by the absence of doing. It would tell me I should explore; at the same time, that money is abstract and that, life experiences are more valuable.
To have to wake up at dawn, cliff hanging the fantasies from the night before, grabbing hold of realities’ strap and tagging along with others packed, into transit, to the domain of work, subconsciously thinking and waiting for all to be over so that the fantastic tale, could ensue in the dark of the night. Is this what I had wished for? Constantly having to break up the forth wall and patching it up at night, and that this affair would continue day and night; that I would always be lying on the scales of justice trying to judge myself; with my eyes closed by a fantasy that was really a mirror image of my innate reality, perhaps lost essence? What could I do?
I am reminded of the play I read, titled Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett which is embedded with the theme of existentialism. Having read the play, I have come to realize that everyone is always waiting for something or wants to wait for something and that when there is nothing to wait for, purpose diminishes, leaving them with no ledge to hang on, or the desire to defy their condition, making them no different than Estragon and Vladimir and becoming subject to external fantasies created by capitalist mandates and consumption of conspicuous goods with the power of money, which only make one feel good but not satisfied and they wait, for the newest version to come out (like Godot).
Waiting to get into university, to get marks back, to get their degrees, to get a job opening, to get an interview and this cycle continues. After the ‘dream’ becomes manifested; no one stops to think for themselves, or does what they wanted to do, for they are concerned about the labour market and choose programs that would land them a job. The reality, which is a questionable notion, starts up, and the sense of regret gets locked away in a magical lamp, keeping one captive like a Jinni (suppressed desire) until they wait for death or some ‘saving’; or when they’re fifty or sixty and unsatisfied with their sense of being or are suffering with illness, they spend hours pondering what life would have been like if they did what they wanted to do and how satisfied they would have been, as they wait with their significant other for perhaps a Godot?
Here the acceptance of death becomes gullible but the thought of loneliness insinuated by the death of the other keeps them on the ledge, still holding on, not looking down, defying the fall; still holding on to their fiction to get by and escaping the vertigo and to cheat themselves into thinking there is no ledge and that they are leading a happy life because they worked hard and are rich because they know the Jinni is still there locked away in the oil lamp.
I have come to realize that “nothing can be done” and that life must be experienced as it is. In this apt desire for defiance I am reminded of the film Forrest Gump, starring Tom Hanks, where he takes life as it comes. He is an entity that does not wait for something to happen and treats life “like a box of chocolates” without any concern for what is to come. With that free attitude he gets what people desire such as, honour, wealth, love and respect without really desiring them. His love for Jenny was boundless, yet he never forced her to stay with him. He accepted her as she came and let her go when she wanted.
I am also reminded of Aladdin a poor boy with no sense direction who happens to go on an adventure, to find a lamp, and realizes his being through the life experiences he accumulates. He becomes subject to the illusory realities of the construct which causes him to become who he was not (a prince). He realizes his being when he defeats Jaffar, the personification of illusion, greed and consumption. Ultimately when he frees the ‘Jinni’ he realizes his sense of self of who he was, and that power positions (being a prince) are creations of the construct.
I have come to realize that it was never about keeping the Jinni captive but freeing it and doing what one wants to do, without any expectations or predispositions. I feel as though I have freed the Jinni but really I have only replaced the lamp where I feel I must submit resumes and cover letters instead of assignments. The Jinni has not been freed. I need to take time off, from job searching and should travel a bit. Classes ended last week and I have applied to at least 20 jobs, I really must take it easy and travel the world or gain different experiences so that I am not sitting down pondering at the age of 50, regretting my decision for job searching and not exploring the world.
P.S. Now go buy yourself a ticket and explore the world, gain new experiences and hopefully and really let the Jinni fly. Ok?
Sincerely,
Your Essence
Note: This journal entry is a reflection of my state of mind upon knowing I will have completed my undergraduate degree in a couple of weeks. I am currently in the process of figuring out how I should approach life. Whether I should find a full time job and get settled? Travel? Do something fun? Or just relax? Wait for Godot? (Hahah). These are some of the questions flooding my psyche. In fact, I have even started imagining what life will be like many years from now which caused me to relate my mental state with the themes of existentialism, fantasy, reality and essence learned in ENGA11 and the play Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett and the film Vertigo by Alfred Hitchcock. I have made an allusion to the 1001 Arabian Nights wherein, Scheherazade imposes a Godot onto the king through cliff-hangers in her tales so that he would ‘wait’ for the story to be over the next night and she could live ‘saving’ the lives of other women. My reflection says that our being is crafted by the life experiences which become memories that become stories for us to ponder on in the future. Our experiences can save us or damn us, but nonetheless necessary so that we have something to ponder on when we are old. Hence, I chose to write my reflection in the form of a letter which uses examples of what was learned in the course and my favourite films to illustrate the importance of ‘wandering and wondering’, so that I do not have any regrets.